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PAT RAFTER: BONDS
What is it with tennis players and their bottoms? Just as Hewitt
wanted to associate himself with toilet paper (SEE OVER), the
otherwise respected and immensely likeable Rafter yoked his name
to men’s undies. Will someone please explain to these guys
that generations to come will not remember their grand slams.
Instead, they’ll remember their 40-second TV spots.
STEVE RIXON: TOOHEY’S
The “How Do You Feel?” ads were a highlight of Australian
sport and culture in general. But the idea of Rixon hitting Joel
Garner for six to win the game on the last ball? As kids, we were
intrigued by the rumour that the footage wasn’t actually
real – that some crew member had underarmed the ball to
Rixon. Amazing, but it may well have been true. This was, after
all, the golden age of innocence. At the time, we also wondered
about those intriguing Elton John gay rumours.
JACK BRABHAM: VALVOLINE
It’s impossible to remember clearly what it was that Brabham
actually spruiked on those ads back in the ’70s. Was it
something to do with cars, perhaps? However, what does stick in
the mind is that he could recite the whole script without opening
his mouth or his eyelids parting. He looked like he was permanently
face-on to a 300km/h headwind.
LLEYTON HEWITT: SORBENT
Another product of the Hewitt family brains trust, this ad helped
smear Lil’ Lleyton’s reputation permanently through
association with loo paper. Actually, it was a funny commercial
– Lil’ Lleyt needing a toilet break during a match
and losing his roll. But one day his kiddies will watch it and
ask: “Dad, outside of tennis, what did you believe in?”
TONY GREIG: NUTRI-GRAIN
“Just like a cricket bat with holes,” Greig said back
in the ’70s ... and without a handle ... and without a spring
... and not really like a cricket bat at all. But who cares? That
charming South African accent could make you want to buy anything,
right? Limited-edition print of Steve Waugh tying his shoelace,
anyone? This Nutri-Grain ad was soon superseded by the equally
ridiculous but memorable “Iron Man Food” campaign,
featuring Grant Kenny, Trevor Hendy and friends.
ALAN BOND/AUSTRALIA II CREW: SWAN LAGER
“They said you’d never make it, Bondy.” This
could have been the prison warden’s introduction a few years
later when the great engineer of our 1983 America’s Cup
victory ended up behind bars in Perth. Swinging open the cell
door, the warden could have added: “This one’s made
for you.”
GREG MATTHEWS, GRAHAM GOOCH, SHANE WARNE: ADVANCED HAIR
STUDIO
There’s only one Matthews, and thank God for that. With
his emphasis on clownish antics, rather than being able to spin
the ball, and style (style?) over substance, Matthews was originally
seen as the forerunner of the “modern cricketer.”
Instead, where he led, nobody followed. Or nobody except Gooch.
Mo’s first Advanced Hair ads, where his rug stayed on through
the rigours of bodysurfing and rollercoaster riding, were actually
quite funny. And getting Warne on board adds so much class. The
ads have retained their self-deprecating sense of humour, as shown
by Warney’s use of the text message (though it’s not
that clear that he knows he’s laughing at himself). But,
ultimately, Mo’s gravestone will read: “Yeah, yeah.
Ho-hum.”
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