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STEVE ROACH, PAUL SIRONEN,
TERRY HILL, BILL HARRIGAN,
RAY HADLEY, ET AL: LOWES MENSWEAR
This was a tricky postmodern concept: get a bunch of boofhead
rugby league players to do ads sending up ads by boofhead rugby
league players. Make it look as cheap as possible. Make it look
as if they’re selling a heap of junk. A perfect fit for
the era during which ordinary blokes discovered sarcasm, the Lowes
ads proved that any publicity is good publicity. Except when it’s
publicity that says some of the blokes doing the ads actually
hate each other’s guts.
JUSTIN LANGER: JOHNNIE WALKER
Some seriously nice cinematography in this ad, with the Brown-Nosed
Gnome pondering life’s deep issues on the streets of London.
Our only question is: Does anyone have a clue what he’s
trying to say? “Numbers define me … for some it’s
how many … for me it’s always just one more.”
Earth to Langer … Langer? Nah, we’ve lost him.
MARK “JACKO” JACKSON: EVEREADY
Jackson made a living out of premature dementia. His smeared nose,
his craggy chin, his unbeatable ugliness made him so lovable that
no doubt even his mother wanted to stick a battery up his date
and give him an electric shock. Oh, and apparently at some point
he’d played Aussie Rules, too.
RICKY PONTING, STEPHEN FLEMING: REXONA
Ah, the laughs we had. Ponting and Fleming have all the chemistry
of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis at their best. Martin and Lewis
would do their routines, and as soon as the cameras stopped rolling
the dialogue would go something like: “You stank in that
one”, “Not as bad as you, you piece of shit.”
Yes, all is well, and Brett Lee doesn’t bowl beamers at
Kiwis on purpose.
OARSOME FOURSOME: GOULBURN VALLEY GOLD
Somehow the four great Olympic rowers will never be remembered
for their gold medals. In an act of reputation self-immolation,
the Australian coxless fours team of James Tomkins, Mike McKay,
Nick Green and Drew Ginn inflicted upon themselves the role of
barbershop quartet, crooning joyously of fruit in syrup. Worst
of all, as an ad it was utterly unforgettable.
LIZ ELLIS: NESTLÉ
Hang on – was that one of Australia’s most respected
and intelligent sportswomen advertising the stuff they pump into
Third World villages as a substitute for milk? Oh, well. She used
to be a lawyer, so this ad might still be seen as a career advancement.
PETER STERLING: BLUE HAVEN POOLS
What nobody told Sterlo was that the elephant got paid more to
sit in the pool with him than he did. Never work with children
and animals? Animal actors have a rule too: never work with leaguies.
TONY LOCKETT:CAMPBELL’S SOUP
It was at the end of his career that Plugger, having kicked a
zillion goals for St Kilda and Sydney, cast about for opportunities.
There were the dish-lickers. There was the media. There was coaching.
And there was an acting career, which peaked and troughed simultaneously
with this quite funny ad in which he went fishing but ended up
with a tin of soup. Finally, he retired quietly to the farm.
MARK TAYLOR: FUJITSU
Likeable, trustworthy and untainted by scandal, Taylor is the
perfect salesman or product-endorser, save for one shortcoming:
it’s impossible to understand what he’s saying. His
pleasant smile and down-to-earth manner graces TV ads for …
for … who? Is it Footchoo? Fwitchu? Is he sneezing at the
crucial moment? Somebody take the chewy out of his mouth, please.
MURRAY WALKER: OZJET
All right – Walker was a motorsport commentator, not a driver.
It’s obvious that OzJet couldn’t afford an actual
sportsman. It’s also obvious that they couldn’t afford
a second camera, a trained sound recordist, a full day’s
trained sound recordist, work from a crew and decent post-production.
Just as well OzJet wants to be known as cheap. But does Walker?
WEST INDIES CRICKET TEAM: BRUT 33
Before they were the most feared cricket team in the world, the
West Indians of the mid ’70s were the Calypso Clowns. Coming
to Australia in ’75/’76 as World Cup champions, they
flashed and flayed and entertained ... and lost 5-1. Lawrence
Rowe starred in the all-singing, all-dancing Brut 33 TV ad. “Batsman
use Brut 33. Score 100 runs by tea.” Rowe barely totalled
100 for the series.
ROD MARSH, DERYCK MURRAY, WAYNE DANIEL: McDONALD’S
Thanks to these bastards, an entire generation can still tell
you what’s inside a Big Mac. Okay, we can only do it in
a West Indian accent, but at least we can do it in two West Indian
accents. There’s Murray’s Trinidadian, with lips stretched
across the teeth: “How does it go again?” And there’s
Daniel’s mellifluous Bajan. These remain the greatest, and
cheapest, contribution Maccas has made to TV advertising.
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