The sad truth, the Dirty Low Down – better known as the Bottom Line – has delivered what we predicted in earlier previews. In 1999, when the Kangaroos’ traditional tag “North Melbourne” (remember that?) was ditched for “The Northern Kangaroos”, we dubbed them the “Somewhere Up North Kangaroos.” Now we know for sure what then we only suspected: it’s Queensland or bust. They’ve no choice. Back then, the fact that ten teams wouldn’t remain in Melbourne forever was more obvious than Paris Hilton’s current virginal status. The AFL’s constant denials were disingenuous and irritating. Now, they want another team in Queensland (at a time when the northerners are abandoning televised matches for reality-TV and cooking shows), and the ’Roos are broke as usual. The coincidence of these unfortunate trends spells sunshine for the Kangas.

It should unfold something like this: North will begin by playing three games on the Gold Coast this year, then the sophistry that some of us have, thankfully, resisted will ramp up. Already, the notion of “home” games has been brilliantly redefined, and the press has played the language game to the max. An away game can be deemed a “home” game when the gate goes to the visitors. “Home” has nothing to do with sense of place – a pesky notion unhelpful to a national competition and best left to Aboriginals who care about it. Instead, it’s about cash.

Anyway, the announcement will eventually come that the Kangas have no choice but to relocate entirely to their new “home”, but there’s nothing for their supporters to worry about, because they’ll always be the ol’ Shinboners, and besides, they’ll retain their “traditional” tag, the Northern Kangaroos. In a few years, the Roo Boys will be something like the fourth-wealthiest club in the AFL, and their Melbourne fans will, apparently, be glad of their survival, even if it’s not a wealthy Melbourne club. And when they win a flag in 2017, Arden Street in North Melbourne will be closed off for a street party and the entire suburb will be abuzz, just like Brunswick and Nicholson Streets in Fitzroy were when the Brisbane Lions trebled up! Well, okay, that wasn’t really a buzz. More like chirrup … chirrup … chirrup. Let’s linger in cane toad country for a moment: even three consecutive premierships have been unable to ensure the game’s popularity north of the Tweed. Voss has retired; Leigh Matthews’ magic seems to have waned drastically, as it did at Collingwood;

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