Akermanis has been working on a new move – the 1000km Parthian shot – as his new coach, Rodney Eade, tries to put a lid on the bitter and incorrigible ex-Lion; Mal Michael was willing to retire rather than face another season at Brisbane; and the club has experienced a drastic financial downturn. Apparently, it takes more than multiple titles to make a grafted team take, even when it’s the best in history.

Thankfully, some things haven’t changed. Two absolute greats of the game, the ageing Nathan Buckley and Robert Harvey – whose hamstrings are so tight they’d hum if they stood side by side – are both playing on in the hope of premiership glory. As long as he’s got Eddie’s support – something that’s crucial for anyone who wants to get on – Mick Malthouse seems set to rule at Collingwood.

Maybe because Australian Rules is native to WA, the reigning premiers have fast-tracked to cultural crisis in a quarter of the time that it took the Lions to do the same. There was probably an unfair focus on Ben Cousins’ and Michael Gardiner’s nocturnal activities by an obsessed WA press. But poor old Cousins can’t take a trick out east, either. If a bloke can’t come to Melbourne during the off-season, get off his neck, abuse police and fall asleep in a public venue, then where can he? At least Cousins did it in style. Crown has some of the best tables a bloke can spend time under.

After the footy season comes the silly season. Not all players are culpable. The Hawks’ exemplary Sam Mitchell was punched in the face for simply intervening as a female member of his party was abused outside a Hawthorn hotel. But Cousins, Fevola, Andrew Krakouer (serious assault charge), Steve Johnson (public drunkenness) and others do little to dispel the public perception that players have little regard for the law, or sense of social responsibility.

Which brings us back to that great tradition of impenitent public boofheads. Just in case off-season AFL players take my advice about going out incognito, I’ve further wisdom: try turning up sober, fellas – and upright. No-one would recognise you.

A recently published compendium of archaic insults from the scathing Dr Samuel Johnson reveals a fascinating word which applies well to certain AFL players: “Rakehell – a wild, dissolute, debauched, sorry fellow.” Which at least goes to show that the problem is nothing new. “Slackjawed lackwit” was another fascinating entry – but this is not about politics. Instead, it’s about predicting how things will pan out this season, from the high rollers … to the bottom dwellers.

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