Chicken porn, beach ball goals, a busted hermaphrodite … with apologies to Bill Lawry, it was actually all happening here in 2009. Here are the culprits.

LIFE’S A BEACH

Actually, it feels a bit harsh picking on poor 16-year-old Liverpool fan Callum Campbell. Was it the club groundsman’s fault instead? Reds goalkeeper Pepe Reina? The ref? The Liverpool merchandising department? They all played a part in one of the most bizarre goals in soccer history, firing Sunderland into a fifth-minute lead over Liverpool at the Stadium of Light, one which the Merseysiders never overcame. It was bad enough that Liverpool had started the season curiously underperforming; they then went and lost three valuable points to Darren Bent’s routinely stoppable shot when it deflected off a Liverpool-logoed red beach ball – punched onto the field before the start of the game by the unsuspecting Callum. The referee allowed the goal, and then as news of the freak incident spread around the “odd spot” segments of the world, Callum’s infamy was sealed, thanks to the fact that, these days, everyone’s got a camera. Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez, no stranger to a whinge it has to be said, was surprisingly philosophical about the incident. Not Liverpool fans, though. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, Callum was told to get his coffin ready, leave town, or even be prepared to be stabbed, minced and curried! Now Callum, who threw up in his garden after the match and locked himself in for two days, is famous. But at least he donated part of his interview fees to the Hillsborough Disaster Fund – which just goes to remind us: a goal isn’t really a matter of life or death.

And there went the Ashes. The worst thing about the protracted dominance of Australian cricket for the previous two decades was not the so-called cheapening of the “brand” or the need for depressingly Americanised crowdpleasing like Twenty20. It was the fact that some Australians became secret Pom sympathisers, and were to be heard at early summer barbeques around the country muttering such blasphemies as, “I’m hoping for a close series.” Well, that’s what you get for your sins. The only time England got close was within the odd session – every time they seemed likely to wrest themselves a commanding position, they threw it away just as quickly. Their 2005 Ashes hangover was a bad sign. The injury to skipper Michael Vaughan another. Add to that the stressrelated departure of Marcus Trescothick, and you could sense defeat on the horizon – but not to the extent of the first 5-0 Ashes whitewash in 86 years. The Poms didn’t provide turncoats with a “close series” – but they sure provided us with a memorable one.

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