“There’s a lot of decisions you’ve got to make – do I run, do I pass, do I kick? It’s a lot more complex than rugby league.”
– Queensland full-back Clinton Schifcofske’s appraisal of rugby union.

“I’m physically sick.”
– Queensland Reds flanker David Croft after his team was annihilated 92-3 by the Bulls.

“Because we didn’t score.”
– Sydney FC coach Branko Culina when asked why his team didn’t beat Shanghai Shenhua despite dominating the match.

“I’m sure there’ll be a few fines. But the crowd loves it.”
– Collingwood forward Alan Didak after a scuffle between himself and Brendan Fevola escalated into THAT all-in melee.

“My memory’s not that long.”
– Penrith coach Matthew Elliott when asked how the Panthers’ win against North Queensland compared to earlier victories this season.

“The effort was fantastic. We defended great, our go forward was great.”
– Was Chris Anderson watching the same game? The Roosters let in five tries, kicked a lone penalty and lost to Melbourne by 24 points.

“You watch – if we go up, I will do a striptease.”
– Sophia Loren’s promise to Napoli fans if their team wins promotion to Serie A. Let’s hope they don’t.

“I have no doubt that if this tour goes ahead, it will be an enormous boost to this grubby dictator.”
– John Howard uses some Keating-esque invective to explain why he banned the Australian cricketers from touring Zimbabwe.

“… it’s good to see a politician make a firm decision on the matter.”
– An un-named ICC official on Howard’s move to ban the Aussies from partaking in the ICC-sanctioned series.

“Three months at Port Phillip certainly opened my eyes up. It was a hell hole, but the training camps with Charlie [Walsh, national track cycling coach] at Buttgen certainly prepared me for it.”
– Gary Neiwand, a two-time Olympic silver medallist (’92 and 2000), after spending nine months in Port Phillip Prison for harassing his ex-girlfriend.

“In football nothing hurts me, nothing hurts me. What hurts me is what happened yesterday to my family – not me, my family.”
– José Mourinho, after the police attempted to seize his un-quarantined Yorkshire terrier.

“I’ll be sh***ing myself, to tell you the truth …”
– NSW wing Matt King on marking Storm team-mate Greg Inglis. Since when was eulogising the opposition a part of Origin build-up?

“I love Neville.”
– Queensland coach Mal Meninga on his bench forward Neville Costigan.

“I looked down and could see my kneecap come away.”
– Queensland forward Antonio Kaufusi’s season ended after this incident in Origin I.

“I wouldn’t cheat to win.”
– Floyd Landis on the stand and under oath.

“Put a sh*t hanging from a stick in the middle of this passionate, crazy stadium, and there are people who will tell you it’s a work of art. It’s not; it’s a sh*t hanging from a stick.”
– Real Madrid director Jorge Valdano seems to be making some instructive point about Anfield and Liverpudlian football.

“I would be calm, too, if I had 20km/h of advantage in top speed.”
– Valentino Rossi sounds a tad envious after Casey Stoner’s relaxed victory in Shanghai.

“I know there was medicine in that water.”
– George Foreman’s newest theory on why he lost the Rumble in the Jungle – his water was spiked.

“I’ve had girls hit me harder than he did.”
– Harness driver Darren Binskin, after he and fellow driver Anthony Bucca decided to punch-on after Binskin accused Bucca of reckless driving.

“As a player, I played in a grand final versus Carlton when they scored 28.9. My neck got stiff from looking at the ball coming over my head. I felt like Churchill down at his farm in Kent when the Germans kept flying over his property, Chartwell.”
– Who else but Kevin Sheedy?

“It’s something that will no doubt be trial by media again, which is very disappointing.”
– Hawks coach Alastair Clarkson, in defence of Chris Judd after he allegedly eye-gouged the Hawks’ Campbell Brown. Judd got off.

“I don’t think he would have enough money to pay me.”
– Australian Davis Cup coach Darren Cahill explains why he won’t be coaching Roger Federer.

“I’d say that a thousand planets would have to align for me to take on that job.”
– Geoff Lawson’s retort to suggestions he may coach Pakistan.

“It was like Italy losing to North Korea in 1966.”
– Uruguay coach Oscar Tabarez on their 2005 World Cup qualifying loss to the Socceroos.

“Have I got anything to give back to him? Sure, a Test loss.”
– Wallabies assistant coach Scott Johnson after the Welsh captain, Gareth Thomas, presented him with his jersey after the Sydney test.

“If you give him any room, he’s gone. He’ll probably palm me off in the process and wave at someone in the crowd; he’s just that cruisy a dude.”
– King on Inglis again. It didn’t sound funny when Inglis ran in two tries.

“They’ve got a sh*t-hot backline.”
– Willie Mason gets in on the act.

“Some commentators just refer to him as Karmichael. I might do the same.”
– Nine commentator Ray Warren, after making an unfortunate hash of Karmichael Hunt’s name while calling Origin I.

“I’d just really like to meet someone. I’m just a simple guy who wants a simple girl. Age doesn’t matter to me, all the women are beautiful.”
– Mark Philippoussis on the reality-TV show Age of Love, on which he dates 13 women aged 21 to 48. That’s right, the man we once fondly called The Poo.

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