One of the world’s biggest football games takes place this weekend with the UEFA Champions League final, and the spectacle of two German clubs competing at hallowed Wembley is a lovely, little incongruity. Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund are worthy finalists, but with apologies to the pockets of Bayern fans out there, this is not exactly a meeting of globally popular football brands. Many tuning into the final will not be partial to either team. So as a service, here’s out cheat-sheet for who you should cheer for:

If you side with winners … pick Bayern. This is a successful club, by any standard. It has won more European Cups than Manchester United. Franz Beckenbauer played for Munich.

If indie cred is your life’s motivation … pick Dortmund. There’s a fantastic term, “football hipster”, that describes a class of soccer fan that loves to seek out less-well-known teams employing avant-garde styles of play. Dortmund has been the hipsters’ team of choice for the last few years, although victory might make them too cool.

If you hate United … you’ll feel that Bayern deserves some positive karma after the Red Devils robbed them in extra time in 1999.

If you hate rich teams in general … then Dortmund is a beacon of hope for fiscally responsible clubs trying to match it with Russian oligarchs and Gulf sheikhs everywhere. Dortmund almost went under in 2005; it has built itself back up to where it makes about €190m in revenue annually. Bayern, by comparison, makes €370m.

If you’re looking for a team to support beyond this game … Bayern. They’re going to be good for awhile, especially because former Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola takes over next year.

If you like loud colours … definitely Dortmund. Their strip borders on hazard vest.

If you like names … Bayern star Bastian Schweinsteiger’s surname translates to “pig climber”.

If you’re fond of weirdly idiosyncratic managers … Dortmund’s Jurgen Klopp is a special. His middle name is Norbert. He pulls off the glasses-with-tracksuit look on the sideline. His university thesis was about walking. And he’s done his best to win over the non-aligned to Dortmund’s cause this weekend, comparing Bayern to a James Bond villain.

In any case, you could always emulate German midfielder Mario Gotze. The Dortmund star has struggled to come back from a hamstring injury, but will not be ready to play. That might be for the best – he transfers to Bayern in a month.