So dominant was Steve Smith’s series that most observers say that the result would have been very different had he not played in the series. Others have marveled at the fact that he has scored so many runs on the game’s biggest stage with a technique akin to your average club cricketer. Which begs the question: if he were actually a club cricketer, what sort of club cricketer would he be?

For starters, your everyday club coach probably wouldn’t bat him in the top four. The coach in every club I’ve ever played in has preached a tight forward technique - get your front foot to the pick of the ball and play nice and straight. This newcomer Smith plays way too far away from his body to ever be reliable, especially on the Astroturf wickets where the ball bounces and such vulnerabilities can be found out by the speed demon from the next suburb.

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And what’s with that method of leaving the ball? Waving the bat around in the air as Darth Vader would a light sabre? That mob that you played in the semi-final last year were absolutely ruthless with the sledging from the slips cordon. They’ll have a field day with this fella. You’ll be the laughing stock of the whole competition if you let him out in the top order.

They tell me that he used to bowl a bit of leg spin as well. Apparently though he doesn’t bowl as much as he used to. I suppose he could be a little handy if he started up with that again. All that said, mind you, leg spin never succeeds at this level. The ball just sits up and says to the batsman “hit me”, and most of the time the other middle order does just that. I wonder, if you asked him, whether he could try and bowl a bit of medium pace. You could do with someone to block up an end with a few cheap overs in the middle of the innings.

Did I hear this guy say that he’s done a bit of captaincy in the past? You could do with a bloke that could captain your third XI couldn’t you, since Robbo moved to the bush last year? That guy that was batting at no. 6 that you had doing it really didn’t have much idea about field placings and bowling changes. Then again, I have my doubts about whether he’s got the strength to handle that psycho of an opening bowler that you’ve got once he tries to scratch the ball with that bottle top.

Yep, not sure how well this Smith fella is going to fit into your local club. Good thing then that he plays for Australia instead…

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