WEEK THREE

After putting together a few observations on a sober Monday night one might arrive at the conclusion that the 49ers are at best second-rate. If this is a rebuild than general manager Trent Baalke and head coach Jim Tomsula have for all intents and purposes neglected one crucial part of it: the build. To put it another way, they’ve hastened to conceive of a sustainable game plan in which their team is still a mathematical possibility of winning at halftime.

For the second time in as many weeks San Francisco was licking its wounds at the main break. With the exception of one fleeting albeit scintillating moment (more on that later) the 47-7 loss to Arizona exposed an offense devoid of spark, a sluggish pass rush and a defense out of its depth. On this road trip alone it had haemorrhaged 90 points. Meanwhile,  game caller Colin Kaepernick, only a fortnight after a strong outing against Minnesota, was all but bereaved of ideas. Oh yeah and confidence, too. If this game was a movie you’d be well within your rights to fast-forward to the heist.

Arizona piled on the points. Kaepernick helped them out. He heaved a pair of ugly pick 6s before the bell had been rung on the first quarter. Tomsula furrowed his brow like a man unsure of how long the opened jar of taco sauce had been left in the fridge. The rule for perishable food also holds true of confused game plans – when in doubt throw it out.

Brandon Marshall has attempted to offload a lateral pass and lost it in New Jersey.

Carson Palmer, the journeyman QB, has rarely looked better. He made great passes from odd angles and when receivers not named Larry Fitzgerald declined to catch the ball he made more great passes. The ground game was also convincing. Running back Chris Johnson, who orbited for weeks on end in free agency after severing ties with Tennessee, was given a lifeline out in the desert by a Cardinals outfit that had not finished higher than 23rd in rushing yards per gain over the last decade. Second chances rarely come around twice in one year. Earlier in March Johnson narrowly survived a drive-by shooting while sitting in the passenger seat of a car waiting on a red light. The driver was killed. Johnson landed in hospital wounded in the shoulder merely by virtue of leaning in to look at something on his phone when the gunman opened fire. Glendale is a long way from Orlando.

His fortunes fared much better opposing the 49ers who offered little resistance as he rushed for 110 yards, 2 TDs and into the bargain a lazy 40 yard gain on his sole reception. If this was a cakewalk then Johnson had his nose in the icing. When he stamped into the end zone on a one yarder to make the score 28-0 the game was effectively over. Head coach Bruce Arians, not one to pass up an old fashioned slaughter, all the same demanded more of his players. This was an NFC showdown and he was determined to ensure the visitors received permanent scarring for the return bout. They wouldn’t be the only ones. Thousands of Niners fans had made the trip to Arizona perhaps in the hope their team was going to continue its recent domination of the Cardinals. With just over three minutes left in the half they finally roared to life.

Over in St Louis they have set fire to the field.

The University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale is state of the art. It features a retractable roof and natural grass surface. In 2008 it hosted perhaps the greatest upset in pro football history when the New York Giants marched down the field for an 83 yard drive to stun the then undefeated New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. The iconic moment of Eli Manning evading several tacklers to land the football on the head of David Tyree who made the spectacular one hand-on-helmet catch instant folklore for those who witnessed it live. There were a few of us. A record number of viewers tuned in and moments later awe-struck when Plaxico Burress sealed the unlikely victory with a 13 yard touchdown in the back corner of the end zone. It was the stuff of miracles.

Flash forward to the present day. Here was a game for the atheists. There was no divine resurrection in the offing for San Francisco; no one to herald the way to a promised land. Jarryd Hayne, however, did his best.

For the second week running Hayne wasn’t to see much action. None of the high profile receivers did. After all it looked as if Arizona’s Tyrann Mathieu had been targeted more often. The Cardinal cornerback capitalised twice on Kaepernick’s inaccuracy. With Carlos Hyde held to 51 yards rushing Kaepernick continued to force the issue and Arizona continued to pick him off. He ended up throwing a total of 4 interceptions. When he wasn’t giving the ball back he furrowed across the gridiron for a meagre 67 yards.

It took for Drew Butler to shank a punt to ignite the 49ers. Hayne caught the ball on his own 46 yard line and without missing stride exploded through the open field, jerseys white and red in a tangled mess as neither special teams unit had yet to shape in alignment. “The Australian down the right side!” announced Fox game caller Tom Brennaman. The excitement was palpable. Hayne ploughed down the far side for 36 yards. He was mobbed by team-mates. He had made the game, for the briefest instant, compelling. On the next play Kaepernick scored. It was San Francisco’s only points all day.

TOP TEN OF THE NFL - WEEK THREE

10. Week 3 felt in many ways like it was a weekend to celebrate the backup quarterbacks. Brandon Weedon started the first of several games in absence of Tony Romo. Jimmy Clausen was responsible for the unhealthy Jay Cutler in Chicago. At New Orleans, Luke McCown, whose younger brother, Josh, had been reinstalled somewhat controversially in Cleveland, had huge shoes to fill. Missing was Drew Brees with a shoulder injury. Brees, nevertheless, stood on the sidelines and went through his snap routine on every play, licking and clapping his hands like a man known for forgetting how to tie his own shoes. This bizarre ritual failed to discourage McCown who proceeded to play out of his skin. His very respectable completion ratio of 31 from 38 attempts should have been much higher. Unfortunately his receivers couldn’t catch a cold on a filthy train on the Frankston Line. McCown kept hitting Marques Colston lace out and Marques Colston kept dropping the ball. It might be time for Quiet Storm to get a new nickname. Butter Fingers anyone?

9. The Saints lost to the reigning NFC South champion Carolina who remains 3-0 with a very winnable game next up in Tampa Bay. Tight end Greg Olsen offers explosive speed and surprising aerial agility for his size. More crucially he is a reliable entity justifying the increase in his targets from quarterback Cam Newton. Dressed in a grey camouflage patterned blazer Newton fronted the media postgame to question a no-call after he was hit late on a play. He recalled questioning the nearest official. “The response that I got was ‘Cam you’re not old enough to get that call’”, Newton said. “And I’m looking at [the ref] geez I didn’t think you had to have seniority to get a personal foul.” Finally proof that there’s one set of rules for Peyton Manning and another set for the rest of the league. “Heaven forbid he get any rookies,” Newton added, “or they’re gonna be in for an extremely long day.”

8. Chicago punted on all 10, yes just 10, of their possessions, in a 26-0 loss to Seattle. For the Bears it was their first shutout since 2002. It won’t be the first dismal record they break this season.

7. Defensive upgrades made in the offseason by the Dolphins somehow obscured the behind-the-scenes circus that has plagued the organisation since Dan Marino hung up his boots. Ndamukong Suh, having signed a six year $116 million contract saw fit to ignore the defensive co-ordinator’s play calls last week, freelancing at the line of scrimmage. That didn’t help his team. Nor, for that matter, did the arrest of Miko Grimes, wife of Pro Bowl corner Brent Grimes, a week later. Only moments before the kickoff against division rival Buffalo, Miko ignored a police barricade outside the stadium and was subsequently tackled to the ground although she managed to head butt one of her arresting officers. In January she was “preaching” on Twitter her thoughts, not all of which were necessarily coherent, on NFL conspiracies, warning she had information to share on concussed players being forced to play, and friends, presumably girlfriends of NFL players, who’d been thrown down stairs WHILE PREGNANT. The uppercase is all hers. In fact Miko tends to lead an UPPERCASE life, hosting her own radio show when not gallivanting around Miami and attending big time openings like when the ring is peeled back on a can of beer.

6. The Giants broke through for their first win and although their defensive pressure makes for neat reading on paper it was their opposition Washington whose ineptitude across the board (conceding a safety to punctuate their failed opening drive, two rigid attacking formations that led to clinical interceptions, a fumble before going over the end zone etc.) that gifted Tom Coughlin a pressure releasing victory at home. Kirk Cousins threw four interceptions in the corresponding game last year so by his standards he has improved by 50%. Giants running back Rashad Jennings filling in on special teams blocked the opening punt. Even in medieval times the Romans considered that an omen.

5. Brandon Weedon was looking solid for the Cowboys until Atlanta made him move. Such are the perils of the backup quarterback whose skill sets are limited most usually to what the opposition doesn’t ask of them. 21-7 ahead of Atlanta, Dallas left the door open and soon Devonta Freeman came crashing through. He scored his first and second TDs abetted by great blocking, the white rag billowing from his pocket like the scarf on a Spitfire Pilot. He scored again in the 4th Dallas barely laying a hand on him. By then he was untouchable.

4. Communion for Tom Brady started before the Pats match up with Jacksonville when he kissed owner Robert Kraft like he was the pontiff. The New England quarterback torched a hopelessly outmatched Jacksonville and while doing so joined the 400 touchdown club, the fourth member behind Dan Marino, Brett Favre and Peyton Manning. That reunion when they get together won’t make for much of a party but hey there’s every chance Favre gets drunk and announces a comeback. So far this season it’s been tough to acknowledge whether a good receiver makes a quarterback or a good quarterback makes a receiver. Whatever the case, in New England Brady has an embarrassment of riches. Edelman managed 88 yards on eight receptions; Gronkowski 101 yards on just four and the running game is working when it needs to with LeGarrette Blount and Dion Lewis working nicely in tandem. They won’t win next week.

3. It took a College Bowl offensive barnburner against Tennessee for the Colts to notch their first win of the season. This was one helluva entertaining game not always for the right reasons. Most postgame analysis has dwelled on the Titans blundered attempt at 2 point conversion to tie the game when they asked Jalston Fowler to punch the ball in.  Instead the fullback retreated for 20 yards and was injured on the tackle. The ending of most M. Night Shyamalan movies are easier to watch. Opportunity, however, was squandered much earlier. Colts QB Andrew Luck had already thrown a pick and followed up with another in the 3rd quarter with little more than 7 minutes left on the clock. Jurrell Casey did his best to collapse the pocket on Luck who rolled out right with outside linebacker Derrick Morgan in his grill and airmailed a weak throw to the 55 where Zack Brown was waiting to intercede. Despite three attempts to catch the thing, Brown eventually got control of the football and strolled back past transitional pedestrians in horseshoes to the 20, offered a shake and bake, with a blocker locked in on the last remaining obstacle and ran into the back of him. He was down at the 15. It should have been 6 easy points. When the subsequent drive went nowhere they had to settle for three points on a field goal and went on to lose 35-33. You do the maths.

2. Kyle Brindza, if you asked him to, wouldn’t be able to hit the side of a barn with a handful of rice. The Tampa kicker missed an extra point and three field goals in the second half in the Bucs narrow loss to Houston. Add to that Alfred Blue for the Texans had a 20 yard touchdown run after Brindza’s second missed field goal in the fourth quarter. That’s 17 points unaccounted for right there. After Week 2 kickers had already missed more one point conversions than they had the entire 2014 season, the NFL was looking smart for its decision to move the kick back to the 33 yard line in order to enhance the dull and longstanding tradition of pointlessness that came with converting extra points. Now if they’d eradicate the 20 yard touchback for kickoffs games might commence with something resembling an event rather than the first of many unnecessary breaks in the action. Who the hell considers someone kicking a ball out of the field of play entertaining?

1. Ariel Jeremiah Green – that’s Mr. A.J. Green to you – rescued the Bengals from one of those divisional disasters at Baltimore for which his team or to be more accurate his head coach (Marvin Lewis) and quarterback (Andy Dalton) have been the grand architects of in January. Just as well it was still September. When Dalton got trapped in the high beams of Baltimore’s Elvis Dumervil, who flew in off the edge to prompt the inevitable ragdolling and fumble the resultant turnover to C.J. Mosley, who took it to the house for Baltimore’s first lead of the game, spelled curtains for Cinci. Well in January it would have. Dalton, his team trailing 17-14, stepped up with confidence on his own 20, connected with Green for 30 yards to beat out the underhand double coverage. At the 30 Green was tackled by a scrambling Jimmy Smith who spun and fell off the receiver like he’d been bucked from a mustang. The cavalry soon arrived embodied by free safety Will Hill. Green now facing the wrong way and backpedalling fended off his next assailant who blindsided by the felled Smith, flipped over like a stunt caught in the rear vision mirror of a Hollywood car chase. Green, not failing to lose momentum, swivelled around and evaded Kendrick Lewis, who was late on the scene, to score the biggest 4th quarter TD for a game lead this season. Call it 80 yards in the blink of an eye. Baltimore head coach John Harbaugh pressed his hands on the roof of his head as if suddenly realising he had left the iron on at home. For the first time in franchise history the Ravens would be 0-3.