1. Pre-game, get both teams’ captains to sign 20 match balls, and let the fans keep any which are kicked into the crowd. Baseball fans in America still get excited about catching home run or foul balls. Would work here, too.

2. Drop food prices. Food is too expensive at the footy for families. Or, let fans take their own food in. No oranges allowed, though. These make great vodka-concealers and weapons for throwing at the opposition …

3. Still on food: serve drinks in special club-themed, hard-plastic cups which fans can keep as a memento from a great day or night out at the footy …

Fans like stuff. So give them gifts as they arrive at the ground. (Photo by Getty Images)

4. Still on food: the good ol’ sausage sandwich used to be a staple at the footy. Over the years it’s been replaced by the expensive luke-warm hot-dog. You can still buy sausage sangas at Penrith Park. It’s gold.

5. Offer gifts to fans attending matches. Could be anything: first 1000 people through the gates receive a “Congratulations Matt Moylan 200 games” T-shirt. Whatever …

6. Improve access between train stations and grounds. More buses is the obvious answer.

7. Play more games at suburban grounds. “It costs how much to stage a match at Belmore? Oh, that’s okay then, let’s not play there. ‘Spose the game is battling, especially after signing an almost-two-billion-dollar broadcast rights deal.” Spare me …

Suburban ground = bigger crowd. (Photo by Getty Images)

8. Get club legends to welcome people to the ground at the gates. They don’t have to stand there all afternoon. Clubs underestimate the importance of yesterday’s heroes to fans.

9. Don’t play matches at 6pm on a Friday. Just don’t. Sunday afternoon is the best timeslot for footy matches.

10. Let fans onto the field after the game. Never quite worked out why this stopped happening in rugby league.

11. And keep bars and food outlets open after full-time. Give people an excuse to stick around and, I don’t know … spend money? Isn't that the most important fabric in the game right now? This will also stop congestion outside the ground. Have you been to Allianz Stadium recently? The roller-doors on the outlets are shut with 20 mins to go. Ordinary stuff.