The-Outer-May-2014 Illustration: Christopher Neislen.

Go forth and multiply, urges the Old Testament. Come fourth and be miserable, decrees modern sporting wisdom.

“Fourth is definitely the worst feeling. It’s just tough to be in that first spot off the podium,” said Canadian Olympian Alex Gough when she just missed out on a medal in women’s luge at the Sochi Winter Games in February. (To please the punsters, Canada did see its fourths multiply in luge – it filled the spot in three of the four events contested.)

Of all the places to finish in sporting events, fourth is the one which carries the blackest mark. Last, of course, has few fans, but at least there’s a distinct gravitas to the position which makes it memorable. Fourth is just, well, fourth. Run through your personal list of famous fourth-placed finishers and you come up with, um, um ... anybody?

What’s good about finishing fourth? Yes, you get the satisfaction of having beaten fifth and the other also-rans. And you’re in prime position to be first to shake the hands of those who will soon be posing for smiling group selfies with medals around their necks. But, alas, fourth is quickly forgotten; an island in the vast sea of competition, which even Tom Hanks and his Castaway volleyball would steer well away from.

Google was really made for such musings as the pros and cons of finishing fourth. There is Korean wrestler Kim Tae Woo, whose run of fourths in major competitions in the ’90s earned him the nickname of “Unlucky Fourth Place Player”, a moniker which (hopefully) loses much in the translation.

Then there is British bookshop owner David Mitchell, who decided to mint his own pewter medals and mail them out to athletes who had finished fourth in events at London 2012. His local trophy shop knocked them up, each carrying the kind message, “In Recognition of your 4th Place Olympic Games 2012.” Or, in other words, “You got close, Chump. Here’s a reminder to hang around your neck.”

Better still is the response from Lolo Jones, the American Summer/Winter Olympian and Twitter superstar. After finishing fourth behind Australia’s Sally Pearson in the women’s 100m hurdles at London 2012, Jones received this flirtatious tweet from US cyclist Taylor Phinney, who finished fourth in both men’s road events at the Games: “Hey @lolojones, I know how it feels to get 4th place at the Olympics. Let’s be friends. PS I have a bicycle. #wheels.” Lolo’s wonderful reply? “Sorry, but I don’t follow losers.”

In a curious twist, Sochi produced a surprising Aussie “pewter poster girl” for fans of fourth-placed champions. Victorian Anna Segal, a 2011 world champion, finished fourth in women’s ski slopestyle, competing on knees which were so wrecked that she had to get a medical clearance only days before taking to the snow. She was knocked out of the medals by the final skier of the day, after enduring an agonising (and still unexplained) lengthy delay while judges agreed on the final scores. She didn’t make the podium, but she left owning about the best smile seen in Sochi this side of Torah Bright.

For a brief time, “Anna Segal fourth” trended on Twitter, such was the popular response to her gracious acceptance of her non-medal fate. But among all the hearty congratulations of her performance and her courage in just making it to the starting line were sympathetic phrases of regret. “Bad luck.” “So close!” And even this poetic offering: “The brutality of fourth.”

I spoke to Segal briefly just before she was interviewed the following day for Australian TV. I asked her if there was anything she’d especially like to speak about on air. She said no, then after a moment’s thought she said, “Well, yes, there is something.”

Segal said she wanted to tell everyone how damn proud she was about finishing fourth, how she was so thrilled to be at the Games, to have competed well, and to have hopefully done Australia proud. There was no need for people to console her. She wasn’t upset or bitter about finishing fourth. She was stoked!

The time constraints of television meant Segal never got to express her sentiments on air. So we include them here, and stand to applaud Segal and all fourth-placers, from egg-and-spooners to Olympic finalists. F*#%ing Fourth? F*#%ing fantastic!