muppets (Illustration by Christopher Nielsen).

The famous 19th-Century French writer Honore de Balzac had an interesting theory when it came to human beings and society. He liked to suggest that all men/women were not created equal, and that for every animal in the zoo, there was a type of human that needed to be treated differently to the next. For example, for practical reasons, you wouldn’t talk to the King of England the same way you’d talk to a labourer. Further, but closer to home for us, if you see a Roosters fan at the bar, you’re going to approach them a bit differently than you would a Penrith supporter. When conversing with the Roosters fan, you might feel the need to not-so-gently mention the fact that every other supporter in the land thinks his/her team receives salary cap benefits which none of the other clubs enjoy. The Penrith supporter, meanwhile, you’ll probably approach with a discriminating smugness that the demographic of your supporter base is a lot less battler-ish than theirs. To the Richmond fan, you don’t dare mention the last 30 years, while the Collingwood supporter might need a reminder every five minutes about how unpopular their club president is ... Different fans treated differently. It’s through Balzac’s spirit, then, that we bring you the five personality traits of the football fan. As you’ll see, the great man’s theory translates.

The bandwagoner

A quick look inside this fans’ wardrobe (how you gained access to it is your business) will reveal a proud row of almost brand-new jerseys – of various teams and codes – hanging up. If there’s a wild wave of footy emotion to be ridden, chances are they’ve already been to one of the sportswear chains and purchased that team’s replica uniform so that they feel like a winner come finals time.

The die-hard

Only one type of jersey in this supporter’s den. See this one here, see the blood stains? That’s from that idiot who I got into a fight with at the bowlo in the ‘80s after the bozo tried to tell me that Barassi enjoyed playing for the Dees more than Carlton. The die-hard’s team is the best whether you know it or not. And if you don’t, they’ll merely pity you. In their eyes, most 40-50 point floggings are the ump’s fault, and if a player leaves the club, we didn’t want him here anyway ...

The heckler

This species almost wills its team to fail. And when it does, they’re the first on the scene to rub the dirt in. We’re thinking Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets here, the best hecklers in the business. And don’t think success will shut the heckler up. For example, your columnist once worked alongside three Cronulla-Sutherland fans who all agreed that if/when their Sharks finally win a National Rugby League premiership, it will be no big deal because it will bring the club’s grand total of titles to one ...

The realist

Not everyone can follow a winner – and that’s quite okay by this type of football fan. Sure, it would make the whole football-supporting experience all the better if their team did manage to win a comp every once in a while. But gee, golly, heck, with all the pressures on modern professional footballers, salary cap constraints, rotten luck with injuries and various other anomalies that can effect a football team’s fortunes, you just never know what’s around the corner. Better luck next year for us, hey?

The expert

This fan won’t only spend hours telling you why their team is getting it right or wrong on the footy field, they’ll deviate and turn the focus onto your club once they’re done. But the off-field stuff like the inconsistency of the judiciary and the overall running of the game is the expert’s real strength. If he were in charge, there’d be eight groups of three teams, playing each other seven and a half times, and every other team in its group five times, with the semi-knockout runners up to play the cross-over team ... Balzac’s advice to you about this bloke? Probably to stay far enough away that the enjoyment of your favourite game isn’t totally obliterated.