Apparently, horse racing is the sport of kings – which can present problems of exclusivity (ergo exclusion) for the rest of us.

Some subjects, like yours truly, find it tough to come to terms with certain peculiar aspects of the thoroughbred game – and so we largely shun it, managing to only really conjure interest when the big Group Ones come around during the Spring and Autumn Carnivals. Because we don’t like missing out on anything ... especially a party.This attitude is seemingly pretty typical these days; word on the track is that the sport is having a hard time attracting numbers outside these peak race events. To help out, here’s a few “sporting” ideas that just might broaden this game’s appeal to those who aren’t only interested in handing over their money to bookies.

1. Stage a race where we actually find out which is the fastest horse.

A race where the horses aren’t handicapped according to their age or form. Where all is equal. Mad, I know, but we might actually find a genuine champion. Why all these categories of races for two-year-olds, or the various permutations of colts and geldings and mares and stallions, all with their weight penalties depending on their age or, even more confoundingly, how good they are? Why not a race over, say, one mile, where every horse in the land is invited to compete? Any age, any gender. Each state finds its fastest, culminating in a race we’ll call (what the hell) the Grand National.In this race ‒ most importantly ‒ all horses would carry the same weight. It was all very well to talk Black Caviar up as a wonderful champion, but half the time this nag was carrying the equivalent of half a piano on its back in an attempt to slow it down. How much better would she have been (and maybe how much longer might she have lasted) if she wasn’t run off her feet?

racing Illustration by Christopher Nielsen

2. Hold a race that isn’t over before you blink.

For some of us, the real attraction of a day at the races is (cough splutter, I know this sounds crazy, too) the horses. But what do we actually see of them on race day? In most races, a blur of colour comes streaking past once every 40 minutes or so, but the great attraction of the Melbourne Cup is that we at least get to see the field race past the grandstand twice. This is why it’s the race that stops a nation. Follow?

Any track and field meet divides its running events into three loose categories: sprints (100m, 200, 400), middle-distance (800, 1500) and distance (5km, 10km, marathon). Yet here we have these magnificent steeds running around 3200m (Melbourne Cup-distance) tops. Bring on the 10km for horses: six or seven times past the post, with all combatants carrying the same weight, the excitement building with each lap, the field jostling tactically. And the REAL champion stayer of the world is ...

3. Raise the minimum weight a horse can carry by, say, 10kg.

That’s right, people, let’s go nuts and make it so that jockeys don’t have to starve themselves to get a ride. Let them eat again! As you will have read in this magazine in the past, the deprivations these professional athletes have to endure are quite ludicrous. They are already in the most dangerous seats in the sporting universe, let’s at least let them eat. It might not bring back the crowds necessarily, and the horses might be a few seconds slower around the track, but jockeys will eat again. This is a good thing.

4. Ban early morning training sessions.

Another vote for humanity here. The pre-dawn routine of the horse world is one of the most oft-cited downers by all concerned – the 3am freezing mornings etc. Why do they do it? It’s tradition, apparently. A throwback. So it was and always shall be ... Or not. Horses race in the afternoon, so why wouldn’t you train them in the afternoon? At least with the sun up you can see where you are going. Don’t open the track gates until sun-up. Let the horsey world sleep in till dawn and stop the complaining. See you at the track.